All Saints Day tomorrow. My Mom always hated that holiday. She couldnt even attend the 15 minute thing the last few years. I thought it was fear of death? But it must have been what was to come, and what she must have known.

November will not be a good month, nor will December be any easier. Forget first of everything. I cant imagine these two months ever not be hard again, for the rest of my life.

People are cruelly insensitive. One of the things I will never forget, was when I, my friend and her boyfriend were waiting for the bus last year. And he went “Are we celebrating Christmas at my parents first or at yours?”

All this talk about birthdays, and the upcoming holidays. About parents in general. It rips my heart out, and it tears it into a million pieces. This talk is everywhere, and I cannot protect myself from it. Do these topics fall under the category “deal with it”?

It feels like I am lying on a high traffic motorway, with one truck after another, rolling over me. I cant seem to go on living, especially as everyone I know, is having what I dont have anymore.

Life has spit me in the face and ran away laughing.