I TOTALLY threw my nerves away today. Never in my life have I played as bad as today.

I know the music since years. I can play it when I am asleep or when I am in a Coma. I practiced yesterday, today before we left, and in the halft time break. Always perfect.

I get up there, and I start with twice the speed that I normally play it. I started again, and played even faster.

I turned bright red, I must have been glowing! I sweated like a pig, and just wanted a hole to appear into which I could have hidden. It was hell, worse then hell.

After the start, thank God for my protective Hippokampus, I dont remember a lot. I remember looking to my guitar teacher in total desperation. I remember seeing that other guitar teacher swinging along. I remember the applause. The pity applause that I didnt deserve.

I am so horribly ashamed of myself. More of how psycho I behaved then of how bad I played.

I just want to be normal Goddammit! I will now wallow in my selfpity until I drown. 🙁