There is SO MUCH to write down, and yet, nothing seems to level up to what must be the absolute nightmare, the thing noone even dares to think about. I have a new standard to compare things too. And nothing matches up to it, NOTHING.

The Death Of My Mom

How often I went over her last few weeks and days in my head. Billion times. What I have concluded is, that my Mom must have known. And in the end, I knew it too, and I accepted her wish, to let her go. She had a rotten life, and I know how unhappy she was. Leaving the family affairs out of it, she was doing badly health wise, and I know she suffered more than she ever let on. She hang on for us, for so long.

I am not really to keen writing about her last few days and the weeks after, all over again. Just go over to the weblog, and read it up there.

In true Dad fashion, he left us alone with our grief. Her funeral, he didnt attend, nor did he ever talk to us about it. He sleeps all day. He never washes himself, he hardly ever shaves, he wears the same clothes for months, and really hardly ever speaks anymore. He doesnt do a damn thing. His arising medical problems (diabetes and so on), are growing over our heads. He is now 85 years old.

How my brother manages, he who was always Mommys boy and so depended from her, I do not know.

I have shut down. I have realized, people dont understand. I dont want pity from (older) people, who still have their Moms. I dont want to hear stories about how bad their life is, when in reality, its pathetic. I try to push everything away, its the only way to survive. And God, I am so lost.

Really, there is NOTHING to write down. Everything is overshadowed by this. Had I waited with writing my Autobigraphy until today, it would only consist of this.

People bug me to move out. What they dont understand is, moving out would mean, leaving her behind. And this, I am not able to do at this point. Yet, being at home is killing me. She is everywhere.

How often I have tried to escape into old coping mechanisms. But none of it has brought me any relief.

The only thing that brings me any peace is, that she is with me, and that I will be with her again when my time has come. And even that, people have tried to ruin. May they get it back when they are going through this. It is what I belief and hang on to.

I would love to hear from other young people who have lost their Moms. How you are coping, surviving, and going on. Feel free to contact me!