I cannot believe that 2006 will be over in merly 5 hours. Scary how fast time flies once you are past childhood… The past few years I have lived by the Never Look Back strategy, looking back on what I have all not achieved, would have been too depressing anyway! And God forbid New Year Resolutions, I am definitly not going to set myself up for failure, just to be upset all over again!

This past year, I still had to waddle through truckloads of grief, and all I remember is grieving, more grieving, and then some more. I am the Mistress of Disguise, the Champ in Pretending! But with this, there is no escape, you are constantly reminded of it, you need to deal constantly, and I am definitly no medal winner in dealing, and seconds can be longer than a lifetime, this I have learned.

Looking back on 2006, I will never forgot:

The Passing Of Steve Irwin
What a shocker. I dropped dead from my chair when I read what happened. Quite recently, I read an interview with little Bindi, and she talked about how frustrated she feels, when she knows or rather feels that her Dad is there with her, and she cannot see him. I care less how insane people think I am, I do trust my instincts. You feel it when people stare at you, even when they are out of sight, right? 6th sense. I read a bunch of books, and I have nothing of what they say. I dont smell anything, no lights going on and off, no coins dropping… But very very seldomly, I feel a presence, and that extremly strong, at the oddest moments. Good enough for me!

What made my year much more pleasant was:

Six Feet Under
So much comfort, and so many lessons learned. Like gay people can be extremly cool, just be like David and Keith! A scene that was so important to me, was seeing Ruth Fisher grieve (I told you my year was full with it!) … I cant say too much, as not to spoil anything for anyone. But seeing her go through the stage, where you just dont want to live on. You are not interested in life anymore, not in what people want to say, you dont even want to feel better! You just want to die, and only in this thought, you feel peace. I cant wait to rererewatch the whole series. I love it to death, how fitting.

2006 was full with worries, and they never stop:

With my Daddy
I screamed at him, I argued with him, and I cried oh so many tears. I mirror everything that I have gone through with my Mom, ontu my Dad. No matter what little symptom he displays, I diagnose the last stage before death. Easter I will never forget, if I ever had a nervous breakdown, it was then. But we got through so much, and through that weekend as well.

Most of this year was spent:

Knitting, Reading, Delivering Mail,…
I practically moved from home, into my bed, and stayed there for God knows how many hours days months of the year. Knitting one thing after the other, while watching Dvds, reading and surfing the internet. I love multi tasking, one thing alone doesnt do it for me. 6 to 7 months or so, I must have spent delivering mail again. I can definitly say, I am a Pro now, and even though I spend money like its my last day on earth, my bank account is nice and full, thanks to the PO! Unfortunatly, my guitar playing has come to a standstill, but I am working on improving it, I just need more time!

I am most proud that this year:

I went back to Uni…
… after a year of complete absence. Last year I often didnt even make it out of bed. This year, I am back, not full, but 50% back. And I definitly want that stupid degree! Not to forget that I met up with one of my old teachers! He only taught religion, and therefore he had lots and lots of students, but as he told me, there are really only a handful he remembers and sometimes thinks about. I am one of them!

In 2006, I had to realize again that…

The mind is a miraculous thing
It goes to greath lengths, to make sure it survives. I AM surviving, even though so often it seems impossible to go on. I keep quoting Hermann Maier, when after his motorcycle accident, in danger of losing his leg, and asked if he would ever ski again, said: “the hardest fight to win, is the one against oneself”. This year I wanted to sign myself in, plenty of times. I lost my mind, plenty of times. Thought about going back into therapy, not plenty of times, but on occasion. I did none of these things in the end, but instead digged out behavioural problems that were long burried, and I know people have noticed, and I cannot stop it. I realize that I am walking the thin line, and often it just takes a breath to push me over the line. I screamed at my group leader more than once (deep down a good soul with so much patience), I cried in my guitar lesson (and blamed it on the allergies)… I am only human too, and way overloaded.

2006, definitly not one of the best years, but not one of the worst either. I am definitly ready for 2007 now, have a good one everyone!