Hello there! Yes, I am still alive. Despite everything that has happened, I am still around to tell the world all about it! This might get a bit lengthy and boring for you, but for my own memory this has to be recorded for eternity!

At the time of my last entry, I was busily preparing for my upcoming exams. I had three exams the coming week, which I all took and passed, I was psyched! However, working 40 hours a week and studying like this is not a good combination. I was battling a burnout which got worse and worse and the first day that I had a cold, I went to work, told them that I was sick and went back home again. I had planned to go to the doctor, tell him that I just cannot do it anymore and I was hoping to get at least a week off of work.

I went to the doctor and we found out that I had an infection. I got a sick leave for the entire week. I was so happy because I had finally enough time to study! However, you cannot plan things and things always come differently as you think. I got much, much worse the next few days.

After two more doctor visits, I finally had a diagnosis. Pneumonia! Which is horrible all in itself. I was hardly able to breath, everything hurt and I was barely able to move. Every move took hours! So much for my exams, I missed all of them that week, I was totally devastated.

After 2 weeks I finally started to feel better. Until I suddenly started to feel immense pain in my left side. The pain was breath taking and combined with horrible sickness, always on the verge of throwing up. After 7 hours of this, I decided to go to the ER. The diagnosis: kidney stone! I have a tendency to not drink enough and with an infection this was bound to happen. She sent me over to the urology clinic. There I pleaded with the doctor to please let me go home and so I did.

Which was an incredibly bad idea. The pain got even worse and the pain meds didnt help one bit. I was later told that kidney pain is one of the worst pains you can get and labour compared to it is nothing! The weekend was quite bad.

On Monday I went to the radiologist for a kidney xray with contrast. Not nice. I laid on the table for at least 45 minutes, after I got the contrast the pain set in again and laying still was a nightmare. As it turned out, the stone was blocking my ureter, the urine was not able to flow and the kidney was badly dammed. So back to the hospital it was.

I was admitted as an emergency case and they told me that I was going to have surgery the next day as the kidney was already taking damage. I hate hospitals! I pleaded and pleaded, cried and cried, but this time they didnt let me go home. I ran around the hospital for a while which helped but I still didnt want to go to sleep, because waking up would mean facing reality once again and I am not a friend of reality.

But as life is, things have a tendency of happening anyway, if you want them to or not and time always goes on. The next day I was scheduled to have ESWL. Which means smashing the stone with lasers. I cannot be touched let alone lay naked on a table! The anesthesia doctor said that I was shaking like a leaf and I told her that I hated to give my control away like that. Of course everything happened anyway and after 2 hours I was back in my room.

After several more xrays and ultrasonics the stone proofed itself to be extremely stubborn. Still kicking and alive it was still blocking my ureter, so it was decided to put in an urinary stent to help out the kidney, You dont even want to know what that is. The doctor said that in the case of young women and girls they put it in under anesthesia. I had massive panic attacks anyway, disgusting and humiliating and all of that while being “gone”, I talked with a friend for almost 4 hours on the phone that day, which helped. For that day at least.

The next day I reached the ultimate bottom. I cried and cried and cried. I remember laying on the surgery table, after a sedation pill, and I cried and cried. I remember a different anesthesia doctor shouting “we are ready” while I was still very much awake. I remember seeing the things for the legs (!) and I cried and cried and cried. I remember telling the doctor that I really wanted to keep my gown on this time, I remember being told to breathe in the gas and guess what? I cried. Until I was gone. A nurse woke me up in my room and I know I told her that I had enough, that I wanted to go home now, cried some more and fell back asleep. The day continued like this, thank Goodness the nurses were really nice and always there to comfort me.

On Saturday I got to go home. Another mistake. I got no pain meds and the stent is one of the worse things that you can get. I somehow made it to Wednesday where I went in and the stent was pulled, another thing that I would have gladly missed, thank you.

As far as I know and according to the urologist, the stone is still in. The kidney it still dammed and I still have an infection. However the pain is gone for now, so I am back at work.

I made up one exam so far and I really hope I can make up for the other two as well. I played in a guitar concert and did quite well. I am baking again and I am slowly finding back in my normal (insane) rythm.

The stone has me worried, and the stinging and pulling at times reminds me that yes, it probably is still in there. Have I learned from all of this? No. But then, what else is new. 😕