This week was quite a ride. Most of it, I spent down in Furnace: beneath heaven is hell, and beneath hell is Furnace. 😉 I know I said it already, but go and read it. It worked for me on so many levels and its just ingeniously written. The last book especially, made me bawl my eyes out. Alex, Simon, Zee ➡ ➡ :arrow:. You can go down yourselves bytheway: Furnace. 🙂

Reading about Alex being stripped to the table made me think about something. On my endless quest to understand the concept of death… When I was down in surgery 2 weeks ago. Being stripped to that table and having those “narcotics” running into me… I thought I could test who is stronger. Yes, obviously because the situation in itself was way more than I could handle and because I didnt want to leave my body alone in that position. They noticed of course “she is fighting it…”. I did quite well. But in the end you just have no chance. This forced knockout is so strong, you feel it floating into your heart and lung, and at this point I thought: this is how death might feel and gone I was. It doesnt matter how strong you are and how strong-willed, there is always something / someone stronger.

My last week of vacation went incredibly fast and it was lazy as hell. Despite that I will miss staying up forever to read and then sleeping in, I am a bit glad to return to my structure. This laziness is not made for me. I havent done one bit for Uni – which will fall on my head soon enough, I am sure – with one deadline tomorrow oops… Need to get my act together again, goal oriented thinking, where are you. We wanted to climb the mountain all week and go inline sakting… I just couldnt motivate myself. A run down of my oh so lazy week…

Monday: started with buttermilk biscuits, which are so easy and fast to make, and so yummy when eaten fresh out of the oven, with melting butter on top… yum! I read (of course), spent so much time on the sofa… got my tax return from last year. Money already spent on the car. 🙁 The bleeding from the IUD continued quite heavily, I was so close to heading into the hospital, but decided to wait until my control appointment, which is probably next week. Without fever, I dont think there is imminent danger for my health. Went to radiation where we were supposed to check blood for the MTX, didnt happen. The male nurse said he had to much to do. Mental note: they didnt take it all week. Will head into my control appointment on Tuesday without them having followed doctors orders. Nothing new. 💡 In the afternoon I was supposed to meet up with Eva. Waited and waited, she didnt turn up. I wasnt too amused. Then a big fight with brother because of his rotten moods that I have to go through as well, because he just cant control his tempers. And: hot hot hot.

Tuesday: finished Escape from Furnace 3. Hot as hell, lots of sofa time. This time with Emma, who wasnt doing well at all and had us worried quite a bit. She must suffered from all that heat as well, no wonder. She got to lay on the sofa, aka: pillow and turtle paradise!, which is a big no no, to recover. I think she enjoyed it, what do you think? She definitely approves of the new turtle:




I spent oh so much time trying to manage the perfect notebook cozy technique, nope, didnt manage, will keep on trying though:



And: reading until the dead of night, I spotted the police stopping by. Yikes! They got out of the car, and went with their flashlights to our front door. I died right there. And then they left again. As quick as they had arrived. Absolutely no idea what they did. ❓

Wednesday: sleeping in. 🙂 Mmmmh. Then we went to a grocery store where we normally dont go to, because too expensive. They have a brilliant salat bar, I looooove salats! Also went to radiation again.

Afterwards, met up with Eva. Spent almost 5 hours with her. She invited me for comfort food (Pizza!) even though it wont comfort as she put it. Thank you for good friends, who are there when you need them. It was needed. 🙁

Thursday: I made blueberry chocolate cake for breakfast, on which we feasted. 😉 I made an end of bed bag, which is so useful, that I will make many more. Good storage opportunity and it looks nice as well! We watched The Hobbit… as a big fan of the book, I have to say I dont like the movie at all. Way to much LOTR like, I kept thinking: all seen already. A real shame.

Friday: lots of sewing of little things: tissue pouches, pencil case, coaster…




It finally cooled down, from these horrible 35 degrees C plus. Lots of thunder :).

Saturday: I finished Escape From Furnace, which kept me emotionally drained. 😕 Lazyness reached its peak! Didnt even manage to make myself breakfast: good God! I re-discovered zippers, so I had to sew another pencil case and I tried something more advanced: a pocket clutch, this one needs practice, lots of it:

Sunday: I will try to drown myself in this, I missed Tyrion! 🙂

I have spent this week in so many thoughts. Got good feedback from a friend 💡 who did reflect back that I need to learn to let go. Yes, I know. Did lots of soul searching… letting go is not one of my strengths. Ever since needing to let my parents go, I am hanging on to people. Again: the doctor at the hospital… and it is so difficult (!!!), when the few people I treasure suddenly dis-appear, one by one. It is and feels like a simulated death. And this I cannot deal with. Letting go. Need to learn that. Let go of the things that are not yours to keep, as they say… Yes, my fault when I make myself vulnerable like this. I should know better!

I have also made up two groups of people in my mind. There is one group: group 1, with subjectively “good” character traits, honest, and empathetic. Who excuse themselves for wrong doing, who explain things, who would not cut a contact without a word. And then there is the other group: group 2, who dont think excuses are necessary, who leave people standing in the rain. No explanations. Eva is still waiting for excuses. I told her not to wait any longer, as these people, group 2, will never excuse themselves, as they dont think its necessary: internal justification in social psychology. So many of us, who are left behind, 15 years in a case of a friend – the endless thoughts about own wrong doing – because people think it is ok to just leave. Group 2. They dont think its necessary. It is upon oneself to decide how to live ones life. Who am I to judge. I dont. Live and let live: value-free acceptance as I like to call it. I just need to learn, to bypass people from group 2 from now on. As I really cannot deal with anymore pain. I cannot solve one conflict, when they add piling up before I am done dealing with the first one. Too much. The power that people have. As we all can learn from Alex in Furnace: power is not everything!.

With these words I am off for breakfast. Trying to let go and move on. Being strong and stronger, as strong as necessary as I wrote down yesterday. Be well! ➡