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Das Verschwinden des Josef

by Olivier Guez

-672 days until until long birthday weekend. oh no

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I think you got the blues too.

This was a short work week, yay!!! I could get used to a four-day-work-week, as we all, I am sure!

I feel like such a living garbage bin. I really like Eva, she is a good person with a good heart! ➡ Yesterday, we met up again at my favourite Coffee House. And she talked for close to two hours, none stop. About death and dying, and cancer and problems at her writing group… it was totally overwhelming. I came home totally dazed and I still havent snapped out of it. She wanted to purge it out and unfortunately all on me. 😯 It really went without a break. I dont think that I can take that ever again. Absolutely overwhelming. I have had this a few times before, where people talk monologues for hours without break. Please dont do this to people. It leaves a very negative effect on the listener. I know I am too nice to listen to it all until the very end. Hence I get to listen to a lot of these monologues. Please dont do this, it isnt right, never! As Silvia said to me once, therapists get paid a lot of money to listen for hours, decency should tell you to not throw your problems onto others, not like this. Not me. My skin! 🙁

She is 30 years older than me, she is retired, of course she is surrounded by other things than I should be and am. I am surrounded by enough death obviously, I try to stay ABOVE it all, by really working on positive thinking, but this was a killer. A complete killer. I didnt get in one sentence. I hate returning from a meet up and realizing, she didnt even bother to ask how I am and what is going on in my life. That was not nice.

Eva did correct my first Bachelor Paper and returned it saying I need to really overwork it. My heart sank. My 38-pages-paper into which which I have put so immensly much effort, heartache and sanity. She didnt give an explanation because she started the monologue right after, but I did try to explain under what really horrid circumstances I write papers for Uni. She just said she could tell reading it. It broke my heart, I swear, and I cant seem to catch myself from spiraling downwards, because I feel that I cannot pull it off, as much as I want and try, I cant do it. I cant explain it. This stupid illness takes so much from me, and I try and try and try and it is never enough. Heartbreaking. And I am so sick of always catching myself and starting new. I am sick of it, so very sick of it. I am going to correct the paper this weekend and hand it in, no overworking it, WHEN????. If I get a D, I HOPE, then it shall be. This broke my neck though. Absolutely and totally and sent me down into Depression lane. I need an Eva break.

Er dachte einige Zeit nach. Dann sprach er weiter: “Man darf nie an die ganze Straße auf einmal denken, verstehst du? Man muß nur an den nächsten Schritt denken, an den nächsten Atemzug, an den nächsten Besenstrich. Und immer wieder nur an den nächsten.” Wieder hielt er inne und überlegte, ehe er hinzufügte: “Dann macht es Freude; das ist wichtig, dann macht man seine Sache gut. Und so soll es sein.” — Momo, Michael Ende

Emma is being a total baby these days, suffering being in heat for the second time in her life. Ohhhh. We need to get her fixed before the next time comes around. She is really not too happy.

With the antibiotics my skin has really improved. They help best, better than steroids. Which made going to obgy clinic all worth it. 😀 At the dermatology clinic they wont give me antibiotics, because they say they cant possibly give me them all of the time. I have found a new source. 😀 🙂 😛 I think I will apply for Reha this coming week. I need a break. Really and desperatly. Get away. From everything.

Brother passed his written test for the police and is now invited for the sports and medical test. I doubt that he will pass the psychological test. But miracles happen. Not for me, but maybe for him. 🙂

I am having another go at overnight oats. With this recipe: Banana Cream Pie Overnight Oats, really good! I know the photos dont look too spectacular, but you should try it nevertheless. Healthy and yummy.

Theater with Luise was absolutely excellent. We watched The Kings Speech, which was brilliantly done. And I really enjoyed Luises company. So lovely to spend time with her.

Back to Uni this week and all the stress that goes along with it. Letso go with the flow. 🙂

Have a good week everyone! Think positive! ➡

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... und in der schwärzesten Nacht meines Lebens sah ich Sterne.
Der Schatten des Windes