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Das Verschwinden des Josef

by Olivier Guez

-794 days until until long birthday weekend. oh no

Last FM
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Life is not so good lately, or maybe it is and I just need to get over myself and be grateful…

I have been having a horrid time with night terrors, flashbacks, feelings of guilt and and and. It goes nonestop and it makes it horribly difficult to attend to anything else other than my brain. I have no idea what is going on and what started it, but I keep missing my parents so much and there is so much guilt all of a sudden of what I all did wrong, what I didnt do, how I hurt them and its going nonestop. Then I feel so immensly sad of how I wasnt able to help my Mom more in so many ways, it is killing me. Today I dreamed that I wasnt able to bring her back to life and how the ER doc didnt arrive in time. It is terror in my head. And then you have to get up and go to work where more terror awaits me from collegues. It is most difficult, and that is only one little bit to the big picture. Here it is, my life in pebbles. Overwhelming and noone that I could tell it to, because who could possibly understand the nightmares of all that is lost? Sitting it out, what else is there to do. Hoping this will pass.

Weekends are filled with swimming. Which I love! Its something I am good at and I am constantly improving. I love how I can swim faster than most of the other laypeople. I have so much ambition in all the wrong places!

I am trying to constantly work on myself. To not get upset or angry but to rather just let it go. Mostly at work. Work is a highly stressful place. We are all under so much pressure and with more cuts coming, everyones on the edge it seems. I am a hyper-sensitive-person and I pick up so much anger and hate, partly directed towards me, and it goes straight to my skin. There is one collegue who – from time to time – stops speaking to me, doesnt go to the side when I want to pass her, looks at me in a very certain way… it is horrible. She has the sorting table besides mine and I really suffer. These days she is at it again. And as so often, I am totally clueless why and how. IT IS BAD!

I really feel ill, I have the largest dark circles under my eyes – people keep staring at me!-, I just dont feel well in my own skin at all. Whereever I go is a pool of troubles and agression. Brother is so exhausting as well, with his horrible moods. He is in a beginner swimming course but he cant keep up with the others. So he gets totally upset if I dont teach him every single second when we are at the pool on the weekends. He doesnt grant me one single ounce of “feeling happy”. He doesnt grant anyone anything good actually.

I feel like my life is passing by and I miss out on everything good. All Saints Day just around the corner, oh joy!

I am going to cuddle up with a cup of tea, my warming bottle and my Kindle. I really only need some luck and positivity. Nothing that cant happen! Be well everyone!

This entry was posted in Boring Blahs, Daily Life, Depression, Health, Photo Galore, Swimming, Turtelina, Work and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.


  1. Reply to this comment
    7:33 am on October 30th, 2014

    ::hugs:: & Have a Happy Halloween!

    Wishing you better dreams, positivity & luck.

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