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Das Verschwinden des Josef

by Olivier Guez

-509 days until until long birthday weekend. oh no

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I Am The Lucky One

At times I feel guilty, guilty because I have THE illnesses that I have whereas other people are not so lucky, they get sick and die. As often as I sit around in hospitals or at doctor offices, or even in my delivery area… there are so many so very sick people. And then there am I. With my maybe luxury problems and I feel I can say that, because I have everything as severe as it can get. And I feel so terribly guilty. And while people say they feel so very sorry for me or what do I know, I keep resonding: NO! Dont ever pity me, for I am a lucky one and I would never trade – if it would be possible in a futuristic world that is – my illnesses with something else. I feel guilty, because I get to live with my illnesses maybe a longer life than many others, who are not so lucky.

And then there are idiots at work. Who can see how terribly stressed I am in the wee hours of the day, when I know I need to leave in the middle of delivering mail to head to yet another medical appointement and who have nothing better to do then to taunt me, or to make stupid jokes to which I usually reply: “you do know that I am severly chronically ill” to which he just sais “you said that already” and keeps going on and he thinks that is so very fun. He is 54. I get so upset over it. I am an idiot. I just should not care.

And then there is particularly one person in my delivery area who makes me feel so guilty for having to be gone from work yet again, because of the trial. Because she is waiting for the annual electricity bill and she makes sure to let me feel it, that I should not be gone again, she hasnt received it yet and she wants it the millisecond it gets send out. And I am an idiot because I take it to heart and cant stop thinking about her remarks. Bytheway, we have not gotten it either. If you do to much for people, this is also something that comes back in return and it makes me so upset.

Sometimes I feel like a vacuum, I suck it all in with one single breathe. Everything and I feel this is all the result of being me. But as someone in my delivery area said last week, and I know I blogged about it, “YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE, dont let anyone ever pull you down to their level”. Must always remember this when my head starts to run around in crazy circles.

I do feel guity because I am the lucky one. And I do realize, that this thinking can be the result of peoples reaction when I tell them I have atopic eczema. They really have absolutely no idea (!!!) and maybe I would take myself more serious if there wouldnt be these idiots at work or WHEREVER, people that make fun, because I am stressed by my checkups, or those people who feel I cant possible be gone from work yet again, because she might not get her annual bill. Or just the people that cant mind their own buisnesses or the people that arent sick at all. In reality it is them that should feel guilty. Because they are the lucky ones and because I never want to be like them, I feel guilty.

Because I have a backbone. I know what being sick means. But I also know that there are so many people who are so very much worse off than me and because of those I feel guilty. But it is OK, because that is me and I would never change that for being ignorant, stupid or selfish. I am sick but I do know, I am the lucky one.

And if that doesnt make any sense, so be it. It is my inner monologue and I needed to get it off my chest.

BE WELL! Be thankful and enjoy every breathe!

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