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Das Verschwinden des Josef

by Olivier Guez

-1325 days until until long birthday weekend. oh no

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The Day Before The Big Day


NaBloPoMo entries so far: day one, day two, day three, day four, day five, day six, day seven, day eight, day nine, day ten, day eleven, day twelve,day thirteen, day fourteen, day fifteen, day sixteen, day seventeen, day eighteen and day nineteen.

I love to be off work, so nice! Today is the day before my birthday and one week before my last block of apharesis. Naturally, I have a ton of thoughts running around in my head. Also, brother is in Vienna today for a screening test. Its for some kind of job at the immigration office. He puts all of his hope into it, which means my head is already screaming: danger, danger, danger! We will see.

Lets start at the beginning. Birthdays are not making me as nervous as they used to. Its ok to age and its ok to get smarter along with it.

“Ich verstehe mit achtzig was ich mit siebzig noch nicht verstehen konnte, naemlich dass man am Ende so gut wie allen vergibt, nur sich selbst nicht.” —Elizabeth Kostova

Nothing I could change and wisdom that gets me through life: accept the things that you cannot change. This phrase plus this too shall pass get me through everything, because they are always true.

Then next week I have my last block of apharesis. I feel this trial is, right now, depending on my “success”. Because I know trial person #1 is taking immune suppressants and has no itching. Person #2 is not feeling any improvement and I was the worst at the start, so they are quite excited having me, because they need people with high numbers and extreme eczema to show the success of the treatment so I feel pressure to try to keep the skin at an amazing, for me at least, level. But it gets harder and harder to keep my skin at bay. Plus: the better the skin, the worse my Asthma is. Its difficult and complicated. Could be that I am a perfectionist, still, even in a trial. I am crazy, but we knew that already. As the swim trainer said to me: “just let them do it”. He said it differently, but there might not be an english expression for it, he basically said: “lass es über dich ergehen“. I will. Might be a bonus that the doctor at that transfusion clinic is looking like John Snow. Just saying.

Brother is back by now and he feels that he didnt do to well, he is doing ok, but he can go off any second without warning and I could even understand it. We will deal with it when it happens.

Other than that, I started over with Game Of Thrones. Its interesting to watch the first episodes knowing where the show is going. Lots of hints in the very early episodes. I also cleaned, started to paint the walls, again, and read. I wanted to do so much more, but there was also swim practice in the afternoon, day passed faster than I could blink.

Swimming was excellent! Even though my Asthma is particularly bad today. Lots of backstroke and some butterfly. 🙂 My favourite strokes. I get so much from swimming, best decision to start again, ever!

There is still so much to do around the house, but lets start with the little things. 🙂 Until then you all: FEEL HUGGED!

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... und in der schwärzesten Nacht meines Lebens sah ich Sterne.
Der Schatten des Windes